Growing Pains

It is now midnight, and I predict the following: 20-something’s and younger will come home weeping for the conclusion of their beloved epic, and the 30+ demographic will weep realizing they must finally move out of their parent’s basement or find a new franchise to invest another decade of their life to.

Sympathy for Paris’ Chihuahua

Over the past few days I have found myself in quite the pickle— not the exact way I imagined my (possibly) last free summer. A good family friend of mine, who I normally refer to as my cousin, because family goes beyond blood, has clearly been bored shitless and has been (for lack of a better word) needy.

Background info about said cousin (who I do love and enjoy spending time with, when not feeling the claws of impending servitude), from what I can infer, during the normal working months she lives a pretty boring life. She does have a job, however, I feel as though she has a lot of idle time on her hand causing her to engage in mind degrading activities like Farmville (full disclosure, I did partake in virtual farm work myself, but quickly saw the stupidity in investing so much of my life and time into a fake, virtual farm that creates no actual benefits). In addition, she also scrapbooks and I do occasionally help her because I find it fun, however, she sometimes scrapbooks simply because she wants to and not necessarily because she has some sort of purpose. So yeah, imagine that kind of boredom with one’s life and increase its magnitude several folds for the summer, and then again exponentially when you factor in how her few friends (she has a lot, but only retains a small circle that she cares to hang out with) are out of the country and I happen to be the only one home for the summer.

Again, I should emphasize that I do love spending time with her and appreciate everything she has done for me over the years, being the older sister I wished I had (to some extent). But, dammit she is annoying the shit out of me by focusing her attention on me and finding reasons to have me spend time with her. I can compare her behavior to the typical girls we all knew in high school who never did anything on their own and required an entourage of sorts just to accompany them to the restroom.

Where is all of this going? How the fuck do I tactfully inform her of my desire to not spend excessive amounts of time with her without hurting her feelings?

I feel as though the internet with its many (sometimes excessive) opinions and experiences should have a solution to my predicament.

tl;dr: I am starting to feel like my cousin is Paris Hilton and I’m her chihuahua that she insists on taking everywhere with her, and need a way to let Paris know I am no longer available to fill in the void of her boredom.

Failure, it’s that lurking feeling

Lately, the feeling of incompetence has lingered with each onset.

I used to have (I guess what they call) “drive” I thought I could accomplish so much effortlessly because I naturally had the ability to accomplish many things well. If I could just list all the things I used to do as a child with passion, with no encouragement of an award from a parental unit, it would stretch long distances.

Years ago, a stranger could easily pick me out from a group of little urchins and have a hunch about my abilities. I was the gawky child who stood out because I had ill-fitting glasses, crooked teeth, frequent bloody noses, the tendency to rarely make eye-contact, unflattering/fashion-backwards clothing, and terrible social skills. In short, my physical appearance and mannerisms offended most of my peers (I was the strange nerd, with a small circle of friends, who were also geeks but with better clothes and superior skills at picking up social cues). Unsurprisingly, I lived my life wanting to please the adults who were more tolerant of my appearance and always delighted to have someone my age willingly wanting to win their approval. During that time of my life, despite having an immeasurable amount of naivete (I didn’t have sex-ed until the fifth or sixth grade, so most of the jokes and innuendo went over my head, and lacking cable I also found myself confused during most group conversations) I was at the pinnacle of my genius. I wanted to be smart and I was more than willing to absorb all I could. My childhood marked an era where I had few distractions and nothing to lose by yearning for mental acuity. 

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Dear Pressure,

I have lived my entire life knowing you. I have my entire life learning of the piercing pain I feel when you overwhelm me. I have lived my entire life reaping the occasional benefits to having you as my co-pilot to life. I have lived my entire life with you.

Unfortunately living my life with you as my twin, who has slowly taken larger portions of my life away from me, has had me traveling on auto-pilot a route taken by others. Looking at the different places where they have landed has made me more aware of my own path. Some have crash landed unexpectedly with no warning, some currently cruise aimlessly, others have stopped paying attention to where you have decided to land the plane, and the rare few have gone beyond the horizon to what I expect to be a place exceeding their expectations.

Personally, I would hope my trip follows the route analogous to the rare few. I keep telling myself that your presence benefits me because I have no idea where we are or where we are going. In my mind I keep telling me I have a rough idea of where I want to go, but society has dictated that I should know after four years at an educational institution. But in reality that’s a lie, I should know by the end of my second year, in order to prepare for any exams and other prerequisites that take place my third year, which allows me to begin anchoring myself into the “real world” during my fourth year.

As much as i enjoy the idea of having you have control over my life because it frees me of any liability (in my mind) I am irresponsible for allowing you to take over. My decision to turn into a vacant doll does not give me permission to take myself out of the decision making process.

Unfortunately I do not know how to live without you. When opportunities arise where I am allowed a modicum of time free of your presence I go to the extreme. I lose all sense of discipline and spend hours if not days resisting the urge to take care of my priorities. Logically, this results in you gaining full reigns over my life once again to fix my mistake. This is what happens every time you are gone, but it should not be the case. I should know how to live without you. Even now as I am writing this letter to you at 2:30 in the morning, I am suffering from your absence.

I need to find my strength that was once derived from the love I had for what I did with my life, not from resentment towards expectations. So I’ve decided that once you have fixed me and my problems again, I will dissolve our long time relationship. We need a break to maintain a healthy relationship which cannot be achieved with such volatile extremes of complete dependence and absolute apathy.

Love,

Wallflower